The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
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.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
United Steaks of America
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
I’m not smart enough to have this many people dumber than me.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.