Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
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I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Home is where your toilet is.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
A guy in Hawaii survived a shark attack while surfing by punching the shark in the face and I get scared to take a shower if I see a spider.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”