[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
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If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano