Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
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I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
I would never be comfortable delivering a baby. I can’t even remove an avocado pit without dropping it.
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.