He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
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Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.