Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
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trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Eat…
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.