Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
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#CatsOnTwitter
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.