a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
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Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
(Me giving a Rorschach test) What do you see?
Patient: A house and
Me: Wrong it’s Batman. Ok this one?
Patient: I se
Me: Nope. Batman again.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.