Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
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*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
me: so i have an attention deficit.
psychologist: yes.
me: so i need to get more attention
psychologist: no.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.