my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
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Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Yup.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”