An important phone call is something that occurs when there’s no better excuse to ignore someone.
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“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
[sexting]
HER: I want u so bad
ME: badly
HER: what?
ME: badly…not bad…it should be an adverb
HER: you don’t sext very good
ME: you mean I don’t sext very WELL
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.