I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
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If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*