Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
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every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
Stop.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
I think about this a lot
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Went into my 11yo’s room and found a loose leaf paper full of dried up boogers, in case you’re looking for reasons to stay on birth control.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk