After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
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It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”