Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
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Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.