Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.
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When I lift one of my dog’s muddy paws to clean it he acts like he’s gonna fall down. DOG YOU STILL GOT 3 LEGS. I ONLY GOT 2
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
Hmm, not sure about this change
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday