Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
You Might Also Like
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
an octopus is just a wet spider
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Do you have any room for dessert?”
Me: *thinking of my secret cake room*
“What have you heard?”
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said