I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
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One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.