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Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
HR: Alright people, let’s be a little more sensitive to Linda because she’s pregnant with child
Sally [who is pregnant with a hedgehog]: *sigh*
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
S O O N
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters