8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
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My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Fidel Castro was alive?
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t