911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
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Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
*mops up wine with cat*
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.