6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
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[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
*amasses epic army of stoners but we do nothing because epic army of stoners*
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
can I use a minion as a tampon
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.