5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
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*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Lmfaoooooo
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.