Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
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“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
{The Mothburbs}
Mom: Oh no!
Dad: What?
Mom: 16 has that glow about her
Dad: Didn’t you have the talk??
Mom: Sure but you remember your first time?
Dad sighs: Wild horses still can’t keep me away from light bulbs
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong