Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
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My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
If you see a guy faceplant into an automatic door, come up and say hi
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”