GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
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Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist