Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
You Might Also Like
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER