dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
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“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.