If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
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What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
Just weighed myself. I’d strongly advise against y’all doing that.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually