I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
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A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.