If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
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All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
I love twitter
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
Living the best life.. 😊
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?