Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
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Wake me when AI does housework
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
The cake is mightier than the sword.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am