I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
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Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her: