I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
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A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun