[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
You Might Also Like
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”