Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
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*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”