monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
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Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m starting to get a little worried about my cake.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Education is vital
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.