Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
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doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[Watching Alien: Resurrection]
*Alien dies*
Me: *skeptical* Not buying it.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
if you fall at the winery that’s a sauvignon bonk
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom