Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
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If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it