Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
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Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
Google assistant rules
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
Welcome to anxiety club, I really hope more people show up. Maybe there was a terrible accident and everyone that was coming is now dead
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.