[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
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Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
me: I’d wait a lifetime for you
also me: 5 seconds till I can skip the add ? that’s some bullshit right there
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.