Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
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[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
(2022)
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
the pigeons are already plenty salty
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!