me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
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I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
My goal is to do one thing each day that could prevent me from being elected to political office
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.