I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
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Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Nose
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?