My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
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Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.