[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
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Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely