My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
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NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
welp
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”