Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
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No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.