[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
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This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh