[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
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*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.